


hi welcome to chilis

by lanceylance



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Minor Wanda Maximoff/Vision, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), buckynat is literally the opposite, i just can't get enough, more irondad n spideyson content, pepper is the mom friend, stony r two dumbasses who dont know they love each other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2019-10-04 13:42:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17305637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lanceylance/pseuds/lanceylance
Summary: peter: hello mr. america captain america steve rogers sir yes sirsteve: Please just call me Stevepeter: no can do mr. america captain america steve rogers sir yes sir my aunt taught me to be polite so mr/ms/mrs it is nothing else.steve: Can you at least just make the name shorter?peter: will mr. america do??steve: I(aka another avengers group chat fic that no one asked for)





	1. couple's spat

**Author's Note:**

> peter: peter  
> irondad: tony  
> steve: steve  
> widow: natasha  
> borky: bucky  
> vision: vision  
> thewitch: wanda  
> bird1: clint  
> bird2: sam

[  **peter** added  **steve** and  **irondad** to the chat ]

 

**peter:** hello mr. stark

**peter:** hello mr. america captain america steve rogers sir yes sir

**steve** : Please just call me Steve

peter: no can do mr. america captain america steve rogers sir yes sir my aunt taught me to be polite so mr/ms/mrs it is nothing else.

**steve:** Can you at least just make the name shorter?

**peter:** will mr. america do??

**steve:** I

**steve:** You know what, that’s perfect. 

**peter:** great!!

**irondad:** what the fuck is this

**peter:** dollar in the swear jar!!

**irondad:** fuck

**peter:** make that two

**steve:** Peter, what is this?

**peter:** well since you two have issues bc of your civil war or whatever

**irondad:** it was not a civil war

**steve:** agreed

**peter:** great!! you guys are already agreeing with each other it’s already working!!

**peter:** anyway because of your couple’s spat or whatever you wanna call it, we decided to shove you in a chat you can’t leave so you two can fix your relationship

**steve:** Who’s “we”?

**irondad:** kid this is literally just a group chat i can leave it if i want

**peter:** bET

**irondad:** yeah see watch me

 

[  **irondad** has left the chat ]

[  **irondad** has been added to the chat ]

 

**irondad:** probably just a glitch hold on

 

[  **irondad** has left the chat ]

[  **irondad** has been added to the chat ]

[  **irondad** has left the chat ]

[  **irondad** has been added to the chat ]

[  **irondad** has left the chat ]

[  **irondad** has been added to the chat ]

[  **irondad** has left the chat ]

[  **irondad** has been added to the chat ]

 

**irondad:** PETER WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO

**peter:** now it’s 2 dollars and 25 cents in the swear jar mr. stark

**peter:** ok this has been fine but i gotta blast we’re playing uno

**steve:** Who’s “we”??

**irondad:** pete please don’t leave me here all alone

**peter:** bye mr. stark!! bye mr. america!!

 

[  **peter** has left the chat ]

 

**irondad:** fucking damn it

**steve:** Language, Tony!

**irondad:** oh kiss my fucking ass steve

**steve:** Tony, I know that we didn’t exactly see eye to eye on everything, but please, you have to understand that Bucky is my friend and I know you would have regretted killing him! 

**irondad:** you’re right about that. i’m not a murderer, and i didn’t want to kill bucky in siberia.

**irondad:** but i wasn’t angry that bucky killed my parents. sure, i was a upset that they were murdered and i didn’t know, but i had enough time grieving their deaths. knowing how they died wouldn’t change that. so no, i wasn’t angry because bucky killed my parents.

**irondad:** i was angry because you, the person i considered to be a close friend, my ally, my partner, LIED to me for TWO YEARS about my parents’ deaths. somehow it didn’t even cross your fucking mind that i would want to know, that i might even need to know.

**irondad:** but of course, you’re a fucking selfish dumbass and couldn’t bear to tell me that you knew how they died, i had to find out from a fucking PSYCHOPATH.

**irondad:** and to add on top of this hot mess, you take the avengers, the only good thing i had going at the time, with you and leave me with this stupid flip phone and a letter, as if it makes up for the accords, siberia, you lying for two years.

**steve:** Tony… I’m so sorry, this isn’t what should have happened.

**irondad:** yeah no shit captain obvious

**steve:** When I came out of the ice, I had no one left. Then Bucky comes out of nowhere and I couldn’t lose him. Not again. So when the entire world was after him, I panicked, I did what I could to protect him, which included hurting you.

**steve:** You’re right about your parents. You deserved to know and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, it wasn’t my right to just choose if you got to know or not.

**steve:** As for the Accords, I can’t say I’m sorry for not signing them because I still stand by what I said about them at the time. I do regret how I let things get out of hand, there were other options, but I wasn’t thinking clearly, so I’m sorry for that now.

**irondad:** would you sign it now, with the changes and everything?

**steve:** I still want to change a few things, but as it is now… I would consider signing.

**irondad:** okay i definitely don’t forgive you still for everything that’s happened but

**irondad:** i’m willing to call a truce

**steve:** Really?

**irondad:** yeah

**steve:** Thank you, Tony. This really means a lot.

**irondad:** yeah yeah no biggie whatever

**irondad:** i’m still trying to convince ross to pardon you all so you guys aren’t in the clear to come back yet, but hopefully in a few weeks that’ll change

**steve:** That’s fantastic! Thank you so much Tony, you really didn’t have to do any of this.

**irondad:** don’t get all emotional on me now cap, you know i don’t do well with feelings.

 

[  **peter** has been added to the chat ]

[  **peter** added  **roady** ,  **widow** ,  **bird1** ,  **borky** ,  **thewitch** ,  **bird2** , and  **vision** ]

 

**peter:** WOO WOO YEAH SUPER HUSBANDS ARE BACK TOGETHER

**steve:** ?

**irondad:** we are not married what the fuck parker

**peter:** SWEAR JAR

**peter:** wow you owe a lot to the swear jar lemme count them all

**irondad:** why did i chose you to be my intern

**thewitch:** what is this

**bird2:** ^

**widow:** ^

**vision:** ^

**roady:** ^

**bird1:** it’s a group chat you dumb fucks

**steve:** Language

**irondad:** steve i said fuck like 8 times and you didn’t care 

**steve:** That was different. 

**vision:** How was it any different, Captain?

**bird1:** it’s different bc cap wants to fuck tony

**bird2:** ^

**widow:** ^

**thewitch:** ^

**roady:** ^

**peter:** ^

**peter:** also mr. stark you owe 8 dollars to the swear jar

**irondad:** fuck

**peter:** 9 dollars now!!!


	2. this house is a FUCKING NIGHTMARE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter: 🅱LS NO MR. STARK HLEP
> 
> irondad: hmm...
> 
> peter: MR. SATRK 
> 
> irondad: how about
> 
> irondad: no
> 
> peter: M R. TSRA K

**widow:** who are you?

 **peter:** uhhhhh can't say srry

 **bird1:** that's pretty fucking sus

 **bird1:** and we don't like sus people

 **bird1:** so you better tell us now before one of us hunts you down

 **peter:**  🅱LS NO IM IN SCHOOL MR. STARK HLEP

 **irondad:** hmm...

 **peter:** MR. SATRK 

 **irondad:** how about

 **irondad:** no

 **peter:** M R. TSRA K

 **steve:** Tony! Be nice!

 **irondad:**  fuck you capsicle

 **peter:** swear jar

 **irondad:** look either you get hunt down by two assassins and i pay or i don't and save your ass.

 **peter:** ...

 **peter:** no swear jar

 **irondad:** smart choice kid

 **thewitch:** stark, who is this "peter"?

 **irondad:** he's just my intern, you can calm down.

 **widow:** an intern?

 **bird1:** how did he get our numbers?

 **bird2:** and how old is this kid jesus

 **irondad:** first off yes natasha he's an intern no he isn't paid stop trying to hack me

 **irondad:** second, i don't know ask him

 **irondad:** third, yes

 **bird2:** that didn't answer my question?

 **irondad:** i thought it didn't have to?

 **bird2:** it's literally a fucking question?? of course it does??

 **irondad:** well shit

 **peter:** sWEAR JAR

 **irondad:** pete for god's sake stop calling me out

 **irondad:** hurts to be called out by your best friend you know?

 **roady:**  i thought i was your best friend

 **irondad:** yeah you were

 **irondad:** until you ate my fucking oreos

 **roady:** bitch they were about to expire

 **irondad:** MAYBE I WANTED THEM TO

 **roady:** WHY WOULD YOU WANT THAT??

 **irondad:** THEY TASTE BETTER

 **roady:** whatthefuckiswrongwithyou

 **irondad:** LEAVE ME ALONE

 **roady:** pete get pepper in here

 **peter:** ok 

 

[ **peter** added **pepper** into the chat ]

 

 **pepper:** what?

 **pepper:** oh no

 

[ **pepper** has left the chat ]

[ **pepper** has been added to the chat ]

 

 **pepper:** peter what did you do?

 **peter:** RHODEY SAID TO DO IT

 **pepper:** rhodey what did you do?

 **roady:** scroll up

 **pepper:** tony do I need to set up another goddamn intervention?

 **irondad:** NO PEPPER LEAVE ME ALONE

 **bird1:** what the fuck is happening

 **pepper:** WATCH YOUR MOUTH BIRD1

 **bird1:** sorry ma'm 

 **steve:** So when I ask you to watch your mouth, I get made fun of.

 **steve:** But when Pepper does it, you listen?

 **vision:** Miss Potts has a...

 **vision:** Now I don't mean this in a rude way, but a certain aura to her.

 **bird1:** she's scary

 **bird2:** she's a mom

 **roady:** she's has scary mom vibes

 **irondad:** couldn't have said it better myself

 **steve:** Wow.

 **pepper:** i'm... flattered?

 **pepper:** but this doesn't let you off the hook tony.

 **irondad:** shit

 **pepper:** language tony! there are kids here!

 **bird1:** so peter IS a kid!!

 **widow:** stark what the hell?

 **pepper:** ...oops?

 **peter:** it's ok ms. potts i was gonna tell them anyway

 **pepper:** we've been over this so many times, just call me pepper!

 **peter:** sorry

 **peter:** oh wait!! can i change your name?

 **pepper:** sure!

 

[ **pepper** is now **ironmom** ]

 

 **peter:** now you match with mr. stark !!

 **ironmom:** it's very cute

 **ironmom:** thank you peter 

 **peter:**  :D

 **irondad:** pwter oh my ogd

 **peter:** ?? mr. stark are you okay??

 **roady:** HAHAHA YOU MADE HIM CRY

 **peter:** oh no D:

 **ironmom:** don't worry, they're happy tears.

 **ironmom:** i guess i have a crying man to worry about

 **ironmom:** we'll see you for dinner, right peter?

 **peter:** yeah !! 

 **ironmom:** rhodey?

 **roady:** of course

 **ironmom:** alright, we'll see you two then :)

 

[ **ironmom** is now offline ]

[ **irondad** is now offline ]

 

 **roady:** i gotta go

 **roady:** work stuff

 **peter:** aww :(

 **roady:** i'll see you later kid :)

 **peter:** :D

 

[ **roady** is now offline ]

 

 **widow:** ok kid

 **bird1:** we want answers

 **bird2:** now

 **peter:** o no

 **steve:** Hold on guys, we can't just threaten Peter.

 **steve:** He's a minor and Tony's kid.

 **thewitch:** i agree with steve

 **bird1:** fine

 **bird1:** but can you just answer our questions as honestly as possible?

 **peter:** yeah, depending on the question

 **bird1:** good enough

 **widow:** first question: who are you really?

 **peter:** my name is peter, and i'm mr. stark's personal intern.

 **widow:** you seem awfully close to him for an intern

 **bird1:** yeah, stark acts like he's your dad

 **bird2:** like his dad? tony IS his dad, have you seen is username?

 **steve:** I agree with Sam, Tony does seem to be Peter's father

 **steve:** He's so at ease with him

 **peter:** woah woah woah

 **peter:** mr. stark is NOT my dad

 **bird2:** oh really?

 **peter:** yes really

 **peter:** i swear on my life

 **peter:** he's just my boss

 **thewitch:** viz, can you confirm?

 **vision:** Peter is in fact telling the truth. He and Mr. Stark have developed a close bond through their work.

 **bird1:** seems fake but ok

 **widow:** okay whatever, doesn't matter

 **widow:** next question: how did you get our info?

 **peter:** oh haha that is actually a funny story

 **peter:** so my best friend ned had an idea to bring mr. america and mr. stark together again and i thought it was a good idea so i decided to help him

 **peter:** so i distracted mr. stark while ned took his flip phone that mr. america gave him

 **bird2:** wait hold the fuck up

 **bird2:** steve you gave tony a goddamn FLIP PHONE?

 **steve:** ...

 **steve:** No comment.

 **bird1:** kid why do you call steve mr. america

 **peter:** my aunt says it's important to be polite mr. bird

 **peter:** also he wouldn't let me call him mr. america captain america steve rogers sir yes sir

 **bird1:** OH MY GOD

 **widow:** okay great nickname but focusing on important things remember?

 **widow:** steve you giving tony that phone could've ruined EVERYTHING

 **steve:** Tony wouldn't give us away.

 **widow:** you don't know that

 **steve:** I know him.

 **widow:** before the fight. after? i don't think so

 **steve:** He hasn't changed, Nat. He's still cares.

 **thewitch:** we can argue later, let's focus on stark's kid

 **widow:** ...fine

 **steve:** Peter, please continue

 **peter:** um, i'll just shorten the story cause i need to go soon

 **peter:** anyway ned and i hacked into the phone and got all your numbers and so i added mr. america and mr. stark to this group chat to let them work through their sexual tension and then added you all cause you're the avengers man how could i not do it !!

 **peter:** ok i gotta go mr. stark and ms. potts are waiting for me

 **peter:** bye guys !!

 

[ **peter** is now offline ]

 

 **bird1:** i like this kid

 **vision:** As do I

 **thewitch:** he's alright i guess

 **bird2:** do y'all think pep and tony are together again

 **bird1:** uhhh yeah duh

 **bird1:** "ironmom"? "irondad"?

 **bird1:** taking in some random ass kid and literally treating them like their kid?

 **bird1:** safe to say that pepperony is back together

 

[ **steve** is now offline ]

 

 **widow:** clint you fucking idiot

 **bird1:** what???

 **widow:** ugh never mind

 **widow:** laura is right about you being so goddamn oblivious

 

[ **widow**  is now offline ]

[ **thewitch**  is now offline ]

[ **vision**  is now offline ]

[ **bird2**  is now offline ]

 

 **bird1:** what the fuck did i do???

 **borky** : be a fucking dumbass

 **bird1:** bucky??? you were here all along???

 

[ **borky** is now offline ]

 

 **bird1** : ugh

 

[ **bird1** is now offline ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can u tell i forgot to write bucky in and shove him in at the last minute?? ahsjkdg bucky is me, i always watch but never respond  
> anyway, you guys have all been so sweet on all my stories agshjkdl thank you so much for your kind (and funny) comments!! they are the things that help me keep writing, so thank you so much :^))))  
> if you enjoyed this chapter, pls drop some kudos and or comments down below. ily :^) - nat


	3. h*eck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> steve: Did you just censor the word "hecking"?
> 
> peter: so what if i did
> 
> peter: u gonna fight me
> 
> peter: cause we all know i'd win
> 
> steve: We already fought and I won.
> 
> peter: YOU CHEATED
> 
> steve: How?
> 
> peter: YOUR SHIELD
> 
> peter: THAT THING DOESN'T OBEY THE LAW OF PHYSICS MAN

[ **peter** is now online ]

[ **steve** is now online ]

 

 **peter:** hi mr. america

 **steve:** Please call me Steve.

 **peter:** i'll call you that when you stop being old and text like a normal person

 **steve:** I thought your aunt told you that being polite was important?

 **steve:** Also, don't I already text like a normal person?

 **peter:** yeah but mr. stark says it's ok to bully you

 **peter:** and hell no mr. america you text like an old person

 **peter:** oops 25 cents for me

 **steve:** How so?

 **peter:** proper grammar, full words, perfect spelling and worst of all

 **peter:** you use proper capitalization

 **peter:** *shudders*

 **steve:** I don't see issue with how I text.

 **steve:** I like to come off as educated.

 **peter:** are you saying i text like i'm uneducated??

 **steve:** No, no! That's not what I meant

 **peter:** sounds like that was what you were saying but go off ig

 **steve:** What does "ig" mean?

 **peter:** see mr. america

 **peter:** you ARE old

 **peter:** sp you text like an old person

 **steve:** ...

 **steve:** I suppose you're right, son.

 **peter:** ~~don't call me son u and dad aren't married yet~~

 **steve:** What?

 **peter:** what

 **peter:** ok i have an idea mr. america

 **steve:** Alright...

 **peter:** so if you let me teach you how to be a normal h*cking person

 **peter:** then i'll call you by your first name

 **peter:** deal?

 **steve:** Did you just censor the word "hecking"?

 **peter:**  so what if i did

 **peter:** u gonna fight me

 **peter:** cause we all know i'd win

 **steve:** We already fought and I won.

 **peter:** YOU CHEATED

 **steve:** How?

 **peter:** YOUR SHIELD

 **peter:** THAT THING DOESN'T OBEY THE LAW OF PHYSICS MAN

 

[ **borky** is now online ]

 

 **peter:**  mr. barnes !! you're just in time for steve's texting lessons !!

 **borky:** just bucky please

 **steve:** Don't bother, he doesn't listen.

 **peter:** ok bucky !!

 **steve:** What?

 **borky:** ha 

 **peter:** ok moving on

 **peter:** first lesson: capitalization

 **peter:** you NEVER capitalize anything, like how i do

 **peter:** unless you wanna come off as yelling, then you only do all caps

 **peter:** got it?

 **steve:** like this?

 **peter:** that's it !!! proud of you mr. america

 **borky:** me too

 **steve:** thanks kid

 **steve:** and screw you buck

 **borky:** ???

 **borky:** what did i do

 **peter:** now lesson two: punctuation

 **peter:** you either use little to none or an excessive amount

 **peter:**  excessive example: "mr. america,,,,,,, you're old" 

 **peter:** none example: "mr. america you h*cking suck"

 **peter:** don't take offense pls mr. america you're great

 **steve:** none taken

 **peter:** okay and sometimes you can use punctuation to express emotions, like how you do with "..."

 **peter:** for example when my best friend ned sees something super cool

 **peter:** he'll send me "!!!!!!"

 **steve:** to show you're excited?

 **peter:** excited, happy, anything positive really

 **borky:** what about question marks

 **peter:**  good question mr. barnes !!

 **peter:** sorry *bucky

 **peter:** you can do the same with question marks

 **peter:** it basically signifies confusion

 **steve:** got it

 **peter:**  you're ready to go !!

 **peter:** wait one last touch

 

[ **steve** is now  **mr. america captain america steve rogers sir yes sir** ]

 

 **mr. america captain america steve rogers sir yes sir:** peter please change this 

 **mr. america captain america steve rogers sir yes sir:** i'm begging you

 **borky:** NO DON'T

 **peter:** sorry bucky

 

[ **mr. america captain america steve rogers sir yes sir** is now **mr. america** ]

 

 **mr. america:** can we just drop the entire mr. america thing

peter: hhhhh

 

[ **mr. america** is now **waterbear** ]

 

 **borky:** what the hell is a waterbear????

 **peter:** 25 CENTS

 **peter:** and water bears are these super duper tiny bugs that have eight legs and live in water !!

 **peter:** about 2 years ago i read this article about how these scientists froze two water bears in 1938 and unfroze them in 2014

 **peter:**  so they were asleep for a long time

 **peter:** and when they finally woke up it took them a while to adjust and become "normal" again

 **peter:** idk it reminded me of mr. america and how it must've been like for him to wake up

 **peter:** also water bear just sounds cute

 **peter:** i can change it if you want

 **peter:** oops sorry *steve

 **waterbear:** no no peter it's....

 **waterbear:** i like it

 **waterbear:** thanks

 **peter:** you're welcome steve !!

 

[ **irondad** is now online ]

 

 **peter:** steve !!!!!!!! now here's the real test !!

 **peter:** use what i've taught you

 **irondad:** what

 **waterbear:** hi tony

 **irondad:** what the fuck

 **irondad:** who the fuck are you

 **waterbear:** it's me

 **waterbear:** steve

 **irondad:** yeah and i'm elon musk

 **irondad:** who are you

 **irondad:** seriously

 **waterbear:** i'm steve

 **irondad:** parker who is this

 **peter:** it's steve !!

 **peter:** i taught him how to text not like an old person

 **peter:** what do you think

 **irondad:** jesus

 **irondad:** kid i love you but i hate this

 **peter:** why D:

 **irondad:** it's just

 **irondad:** unsettling

 **borky:** hmmm sounds like an excuse

 **borky:** for a gay reason

 **irondad:** shut up barnes

 **borky:** i'm just saying

 **borky:** you freaked out when steve said hello in a modern way

 **borky:** which is weird

 **borky:** maybe you found his way of old texting,,,, how do you say,,,,, endearing?

 **waterbear:** Buck, leave him alone.

 **waterbear:** I'm sorry Tony

 **irondad:** it's fine

 **irondad:** you don't have to go back just because i freaked out

 **irondad:** i'm sure everyone else would be thrilled to see you adapting to the modern ways of the world

 **waterbear:** It's fine, I didn't really enjoy it anyway. Sorry Peter.

 **peter:** it's all good fam

 **waterbear:** I don't think modern is really my style.

 **irondad:** yeah it isn't

 **irondad:** stop coming for my brand

 **peter:** mr. stark technically it's my brand

 **peter:** cause i taught you how to text too

 **irondad:** hush child

 **irondad:** also aren't you supposed to be in school?? why are you texting cap and barnes??

 **irondad:** and why are you on a first name basis with them already????

 **irondad:** i've known you for almost a year and a half now and you still refuse to call me tony

 **irondad:** yet here you are calling them steve and bucky even though this is like

 **irondad:** your third time talking to them

 **peter:** oops gotta go there's a um

 **peter:** fire

 **peter:** bye steve and bucky !!

 **peter:** bye dad !!

 **peter:**  *MR. STARK

 **peter:** SHIT BYE

 

[ **peter** is now offline ]

 

 **irondad:** ,,,,did he just say shit

 **borky:** really stark

 **borky:** the kid called you dad for the first time

 **borky:** and you focus on the swear????

 **waterbear:** Not the first, he called Tony dad earlier.

 

 **irondad:** he did?

 **waterbear:** Yeah, he did.

 **waterbear:** Something about you and I, called you dad and that's all I got.

 **waterbear:** He deleted it before I could fully read it.

 **irondad:** huh

 **waterbear:** I'm proud of you, Tony.

 **irondad:** what for

 **waterbear:** Pepper and you are back together, you took in Peter...

 **waterbear:** You've changed a lot since I saw you last.

 **waterbear:** You're happy.

 **irondad:** i

 **irondad:** what

 **irondad:** pepper and i??

 **irondad:**  that's hilarious

 **waterbear:** ?

 **irondad:** pep and i are in no way back together

 **irondad:** in fact uh

 **irondad:** we decided that being apart was better than we were together

 **irondad:** so she's seeing someone else now

 **waterbear:** Oh.

 **waterbear:** I'm sorry Tony.

 **irondad:** don't be

 **irondad:** you're right, i am happy

 **irondad:** pete makes me happy, my friends make my happy 

 **irondad:** god i can't believe i'm saying this but

 **irondad:** talking to you again makes me happy too

 **waterbear:** Same here.

 **irondad:** i'm actually meeting with ross tomorrow

 **irondad:** to talk about pardoning you all

 **irondad:** soon you guys can move back to the compound and we can try again

 **irondad:**  if ross agrees

 **irondad:** hopefully he will

 **waterbear:** Hopefully. 

 **irondad:** gah so much feelings

 **irondad:** i hate it

 **irondad:** i'm gonna go kidnap the kid from school

 **irondad:** bye barnes you little lurking weirdo

 **borky:** what the fuck

 **borky:** how'd you know

 **irondad:** SWEAR JAR

 **irondad:** god the kid's rubbed off on me

 **irondad:** also i'm tony stark that's why

 **borky:** fuck you

 **irondad:** that's two dollars you owe the jar when you come back to america

 **irondad:** alright i'm actually gonna go now

 **irondad:** bye asshole

 **irondad:** bye steve

 **borky:** bye bitch

 **waterbear:** Take care, Tony.

 

[ **irondad** is now offline ]

 

 **borky:** gaaaaayyy

 **waterbear:** Screw you Buck.

 **borky:** you love me

 **waterbear:** Yeah I do

 **borky:** gaaaaaaayyy

 **waterbear:** Haha

 **waterbear:** See ya later.

 

[ **waterbear** is now offline ]

 

_direct message_

[ **borky** ⮂ **peter** ]

 

 **borky:** operation stony has begun

 **peter:** !!!!!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just some good ol steve & peter bonding :'^)  
> the formatting of this fic is going to kill me it takes so damn long but its so damn worth it i love the fic so much i updated literally a day after the 2nd chapter.  
> its just so easy to write, everything just comes naturally and gah.  
> once again, thank you for your kind comments!! it really is the highlight of my day to just log in and read what you guys think!! it'll definitely make school more bearable when i go back tomorrow.  
> anyway, if you enjoyed this chapter, leave some kudos and or comments!! i'm 100% willing to try and add things you guys are interested in seeing in this fic, so share your thoughts and ideas with me!!  
> ily and i hope you have a wonderful day/night wherever you are!! - nat


	4. gotem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> waterbear: Sam, is he a threat?  
> bird2: no i jdknfmbfdgbs  
> waterbear: Sam?  
> bird1: oh my god is he fuckin dead  
> borky: thank god

**bird2:** code red

**bird1:** why tell us in this group chat??

**bird2:** stark’s fancy shit ain’t working

**waterbear:** What’s the situation?

**bird2:** went into the kitchen and found this nine year old

**borky:** ??? a kid

**borky:** you call code red on a kid????

**bird2:** shut your whore ass mouth bucky

**bird1:** sam you’re great my bird buddy but

**bird1:** i agree with bucky

**bird2:** you’re dead to me

**bird1:** :/ buck you screwed me over fuck you

**borky:** i didn’t even do anything??

**waterbear:** Now’s not the time guys.

**waterbear:** Sam, is he a threat?

**bird2:** no i jdknfmbfdgbs

**waterbear:** Sam?

**bird1:** oh my god is he fuckin dead

**borky:** thank god

 

[  **peter** is now online ]

 

**peter:** hhholy shizz dudes the craziest thing happened to me

**peter:** so i was eating cereal and then this guy comes out of nowhere and he’s like “GOTCHA BITCH” and tackles me

**peter:** oof 50 cents

**peter:** then he started screaming at friday to go into lockdown but of course she didn’t listen

**peter:** so this guy pulled out his phone and started texting someone which is ???

**peter:** bad guys these days smh

**peter:** anyway i headbutted him and ran away and now i’m on my way to school so bye gamers let’s get this fricking bread

 

[  **peter** is now offline ]

 

**bird1:** did you guys just read the same thing that i read?????

**borky:** HAHA SAM GOT FCKING PWNED BY STAKS KID

**waterbear:** Oh dear.

[  **irondad** is now online ]

 

**irondad:** why did i get an alert from friday that my kid was in danger

**irondad:** you have 3 words to explain yourselves

**bird1:** scroll up

**bird1:** bitch

**irondad:** was that necessary??

**bird1:** you did say 3 words

**borky:** ha clit gotem good

**bird1:** clit?? really??

bird2: who the fuck taught you that

**borky:** shuri

**bird2:** dear lord our lives will be in the future generations’ hands soon

**irondad:** first i am never letting clit go clit expect that to stick around

**irondad:** second bucky never make another pop culture reference ever again i am literally scarred

**irondad:** third i can’t believe you thought peter, my kid, who looks like an actual baby, was a possible threat

**waterbear:** Sam said code red, I expected a hostile!

**irondad:** sam?

**bird2:** look

**bird2:** kid looks like he just came straight out the womb

**bird2:** but he can hit h a r d

**irondad:** yeah that’s my kid dumbass didn’t let him go out into the world without knowing how to fight

**borky:** when did you even have this kid??

**borky:** who the fuck is his mom??

**irondad:** what

**waterbear:** Yes, I don’t mean to be judgemental but… 

**waterbear:** Even I’m confused as to how you managed to hide Peter for so long.

**irondad:** scuse me but what the fuck

**irondad:** i’m not his dad

**bird1:** then why do you keep calling him your kid?? why is your user “irondad”???

**irondad:** i never called him that

**bird1:** " _irondad:_ _why did i get an alert from friday that my kid was in danger”_

**irondad:** fake news

**irondad:** i don’t recall that happening

**bird1:** bitch

**irondad:** that’s my name don’t wear it out sweetheart

**waterbear:** So Peter is not yours?

**irondad:** nope no way

**irondad:** no kid of mine would be as pure as that kid

**irondad:** i’m surprised you all thought i could raise a kid as great as him lmao

**irondad:** anyway so i gotta go 

**irondad:** meetings and shit

**irondad:** welcome home avengers

**irondad:** don’t fuck up my fucking compound :)

 

[  **irondad** is now offline ]

 

**bird1:** well then

**borky:** so who was the kid’s mom??

**bird2:** you’re literally a dumbass

**borky:** ????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AFSGHKDJ POOR BUCKY I KEEP BULLYING HIM ILL BE NICE IN THE NEXT CHAPTER (or will i)  
> sorry for not updating last week, school just went back into session and it was H E L L. my lit and engineering teachers are being little bitches and make me wanna die but my physics and spanish teachers are super great so i also don't. it's conflicting.  
> chapters might be hard to post for the next few months bc i have little to no time to write but i'll try my best to have something up every week or so. but pls don't be upset if i miss an upload, i am a sad stressed junior girl :^(  
> anyway SPIDERMAN FFH TRAILER CAME OUT TODAY THATS WILD no spoilers from me tho i hate to be that bitch  
> anyway i hope u enjoyed this chapter!! leave some kudos and or comments if u did, maybe tell me about how ur day was n schtuff. ily!!!! - nat


	5. heeyaw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> widow: can u furries like
> 
> widow: shut the fuck up
> 
> achild: oh my god black widow called me a furry
> 
> achild: best day of my life

[ **peter** is now online ]

 

 **peter:** can i get a new user im sick of seeing my name it sucks

 **irondad:** shut up pete your name is great

 **peter:** but :(((

 **bird1:** change yours if you change mine

 **peter:** DEAL

 

[ **peter** is now **achild** ]

[ **bird1** is now **heeyaw** ]

 

 **achild:** like the vine????

 **heeyaw:** yeah

 **heeyaw:** are you sure this is the way to spell my user

 **achild:** yeah pretty sure

 **heeyaw:** huh

 **heeyaw:** thought it was hawyee

 **irondad:** you two are actual fucking idiots oh my god

 **achild:** DOLLAR

 **heeyaw:** DONT CURSE AT YOUR KID HES GONNA PICK IT UP AND THEN WE HAVE A CHILD WHO SWEARS

 **heeyaw:** ITLL BE THE TOP NEWS HEADLINE

 **heeyaw:** "tony stark teaches young baby to swear?"

 **achild:** i can swear if i want shut up clit

 **heeyaw:** is this what betrayal feels like :(

 **irondad:** HAH CLIT

 

[ **borky** is now online ]

 

 **borky:** oh we're changing our names??

 **borky:** can someone change mine?

 

[ **borky** is now **dickwad** ]

 

 **dickwad:** thanks stark

 **irondad:** :)

 **achild:** a kid at my school calls me dickwad

 **irondad:**  what's his house address

 **heeyaw:** yeah we just wanna talk

 **achild:** guy n o

 **dickwad:** guys y e s 

 **achild:** oh bucky not you too :((((

 **irondad:** WHY AM I STILL MR. STARK BUT HE'S BUCKY

 

[ **widow** is now online ]

[ **waterbear** is now online ]

[ **thewitch** is now online ]

[ **bird2** is now online ]

[ **vision** is now online ]

 

 **widow:** can u furries like

 **widow:** shut the fuck up

 **waterbear:** Language, Nat.

 **achild:** oh my god black widow called me a furry

 **achild:** best day of my life

 **irondad:** ?????? i literally asked if you wanna be an avenger how is not that the best day

 **achild:** mr. stark don't get me wrong i love that day

 **achild:** but black widow??? calling me + the avengers furries???? iconic

 **widow:** i like him 

 **achild:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **irondad:** oh god he's gonna explode isn't he

 **achild:** oh oopsies i forgot to say hi to everyone else

 **achild:** hi steve!!

 **achild:** hi ms. wanda and mr. vision!!

 **achild:** hi mr. wilson!!

 **waterbear:** Hi Peter.

 **thewitch:**  hi!!

 **vision:** Hello, Peter.

 **bird2:** demon

 **achild:** mr. vision ms. wanda mr. wilson can i change yalls users

 **bird2:** i'd rather not

 **thewitch:** me too, i like mine

 **thewitch:** i hope you're not upset about that

 **achild:** not at all!!

 **vision:** I suppose a change wouldn't hurt.

 

[ **vision** is now **alexa** ]

 

 **achild:** THIS IS SO SAD ALEXA PLAY DESPACITO

 **alexa:** I was wrong.

 **heeyaw:** kid oh my god

 **bird2:** why are you like this

 **achild:** :))))

 **dickwad:** so when do we get to meet the kid stark

 **irondad:** uh

 **irondad:** how about

 **irondad:** never

 **heeyaw:** OH COME ON WHY NOT

 **irondad:** let's see

 **irondad:** you all literally turned your backs on me (except pep, pete, rhodes and vision you guys are cool)

 **irondad:** fought the kid and almost KILLED HIM

 **irondad:** yeah you seem totally trustworthy 

 **achild:** oh c'mon mr. stark!!! what's the worst they can do to a kid who got bit by a radioactive spider??

 **achild:** oh fuck

 **widow:**  

**dickwad:**

**bird2:**

**irondad:**

**waterbear:**

**thewitch:**

**alexa:**

**heeyaw:** scuse me but what the fuck did you say

 **widow:** mind explaining what he meant, stark?

 **irondad:** no

 **widow:** peter?

 **achild:** let me ask mr. stark

 **widow:** wait no i just asked him

 **achild:** he said no

 **achild:** anyway i have a physics test in like 30 seconds bc i wasted all my extra study time texting you guys so byeeeee

 

[ **achild** is now offline ]

 

 **bird2:** so we are gonna talk about what the kid said or...

 **irondad:** no

 **thewitch:** why are you so keen on keeping it a secret from us?

 **thewitch:** we can handle the truth

 **irondad:** i just want him to be as safe as possible

 **waterbear:** Whatever it is Tony, we can help you keep him safe.

 **waterbear:** But we can't do that if you don't talk to us. You and I know this better than anyone.

 **irondad:**  ouch

 **irondad:** you got me stevie

 **irondad:** alright i'll talk things over with the kid and see what we can do

 **irondad:** see you all tonight

 **waterbear:** See you.

 

[ **irondad** is now offline ]

 

 **dickwad:** oooooh he called you stevieeeee

 **dickwad:** GAAAAAYY

 **waterbear:** Bucky.

 **dickwad:**  I CAN SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING

 **heeyaw:** WHAT

 **dickwad:** AND THEY DON'T HAVE A CLUE

 **alexa:** Who?

 **waterbear:** BUCKY!

 **widow:** CAN YOU FEEEEEEL

 **thewitch:** THE LOOOOOVEE

 **heeyaw:** TOONIGHHHTT

 **waterbear:** I hate you all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aghsjkd sorry it took so long to update, i got busy with school n stuff.  
> also peter is me i had a physics test n got so distracted by talking abt owos that i didn't get to study in the last 10 minutes before the test so i probably failed lmao  
> anyway, i hope you enjoyed the chapter!! leave some kudos and or some comments if you did!! ily - nat


	6. meemees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> irondad: kid you’re a genius i’m proud of you
> 
> achild: :o
> 
> achild: MR. STARK I LOVE YOU
> 
> ironmom: aaaand he’s crying again 
> 
> roady: peter we talked about this
> 
> achild: i know but i couldn’t help it !!! i love mr. stark he’s amazing!!
> 
> irondad: PWTR STIP I CNT CRY ADN TYPE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a reminder of usernames:
> 
> achild - peter  
> irondad - tony  
> ironmom - pepper  
> roady - rhodey  
> waterbear - steve  
> dickwad - bucky  
> widow - natasha  
> bird2 - sam  
> heeyaw - clint  
> thewitch - wanda  
> alexa - vision

[ **achild** is now online ]

 

 **achild** : you are,,,,, my fiiirrre

 

[ **irondad** is now online ]

 

 **irondad** : my one,,,,,, deesiiirrre

 

[ **heeyaw** is now online ]

 

 **heeyaw** : believe when iiii saay

 

 

[ **bird2** is now online ]

 

 **bird2** : i waant it thaat waaay

 

[ **dickwad** is now online ]

 

[ **waterbear** is now online ]

 

[ **ironmom** is now online ]

 

[ **roady** is now online ]

 

[ **widow** is now online ]

 

[ **alexa** is now online ]

 

[ **thewitch** is now online ]

 

 **achild** : TELL ME WHY

 

 **roady** : AINT NOTHIN BUT A HEARTACHE

 

 **achild** : TELLLL ME WHY

 

 **ironmom** : AINT NOTHIN BUT A MISTAKE

 

 **achild** : telll me whyyyy

 

 **irondad** : i never wanna hear you saayyy

 

 **achild** : i waaant it thaat waayyy

 

 **dickwad** : what the fuck

 

 **achild** : mr. stark and i learned that singing the classics is an easy way to summon pepper and rhodey for special meetings

 

 **achild** : i wanted to see if it would work in a group chat

 

 **widow** : shockingly, it did.

 

 **achild** : i know!!

 

 **irondad** : kid you’re a genius i’m proud of you

 

 **achild** : :o

 

 **achild** : MR. STARK I LOVE YOU

 

 **ironmom** : aaaand he’s crying again

 

 **roady** : peter we talked about this

 

 **achild** : i know but i couldn’t help it !!! i love mr. stark he’s amazing !!

 

 **irondad** : PWTR STIP I CNT CRY ADN TYPE

 

 **achild** : sorry D:

 

 **irondad** : its ok

 

 **irondad** : youre a great kid

 

 **achild** : :D

 

 **widow** : that was,,, touching

 

 **dickwad** : peter parker and tony stark being wholesome and making me cry for 387489 years

 

 **widow** : aaand bucky ruined it

 

 **waterbear** : Shuri should have never taught you those meemees

 

 **achild** : OH MY GOD IM SHOWING NED

 

 **achild** : CAPTAIN AMERICA CALLING MEMES “MEEMEES”

 

 **waterbear** : …

 

 **achild** : i still love you cap i don’t mean to bully you in a mean way !!

 

 **thewitch** : is there a reason you wanted us all here?

 

 **achild** : yes

 

 **achild** : as you all know i said something i shouldn’t have and now i’m in a kind of difficult situation

 

 **alexa** : The radioactive spider comment?

 

 **achild** : yeah that

 

 **achild** : anyway mr. stark and i talked about it for a while and we decided that you guys are all trustworthy enough to know

 

 **achild** : well mr. stark did, i totally wanted to tell you guys but he was scared

 

 **irondad** : stop fucking exposing me parker

 

 **achild** : SWEAR JAR

 

 **achild** : sorry back to the main topic

 

 **achild** : anyway basically i’m spider-man

 

 **bird2** : YOURE THE FUCKING BUG????

 

 **dickwad** : WHAT HE FICK

 

 **achild** : swear jar!!! And yes i am

 

 **dickwad** : YOU FUCKING CAUGHT MY METAL ARM AND HELD IT BACK WITHOUT EVEN BREAKING A SWEAT

 

 **dickwad** : YOU SAID “YOU HAVE A METAL ARM???? THAT IS AWESOME DUDE” AND THEN SAM FUCKING KICKED YOU

 

 **irondad** : i’m going to pretend i didn’t read that

 

 **bird2** : hey shit head you got owned by a fucking 2 year old

 

 **dickwad** : at least it didn’t happen to me twice

 

 **irondad** : has anyone else noticed steve has been quiet for a while???

 

 **heeyaw** : no because youre fucking shjdfbvhjskdbshbgs

 

 **irondad** : ???

 

 **widow** : bucky tackled clint don’t worry about it

 

 **widow** : and steve’s hiding in his room crying over what peter said to him.

 

 **widow** : “natasha i don’t understand i’ve only known him for less than a week and i would murder anyone for him”

 

 **widow** : “he’s so pure how is tony still alive i’m going to fucking die”

 

 **irondad** : wow hypocrite much this asshole tells me to watch my mouth and then says fuck

 

 **achild** : i’m??? flattered?????

 

 **achild** : steve pls stop crying i feel bad now :(((((

 

 **waterbear** : Sorry son I jsut got emotinal

 

 **waterbear** : Also Natasha youre dead to me

 

 **widow** : worth it.

 

 **achild** : aw gosh i wanna give you a hug now

 

 **achild** : that’s it i’m swinging by the compound right now

 

 **waterbear** : Peter it’s late, you shouldn’t go out right now.

 

 **achild** : it’s not that late, i just started patrolling like 30 minutes ago

 

 **achild** : queens is pretty quiet tonight so it wouldn’t hurt to drop by

 

 **achild** : also i can meet everyone !!

 

 **achild** : of course that’s if you’re okay with it mr. stark

 

 **irondad** : i don’t mind.

 

 **irondad** :  i was planning on stopping by the compound anyway

 

 **irondad** : wanted to make sure you idiots haven’t broken anything yet

 

 **thewitch** : vision broke the toaster

 

 **irondad** : FOR FUCKS SAKE ITS BEEN LESS THAN A WEEK HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT

 

 **alexa** : I apologize, Mr. Stark. I was not aware that metal should not go in the toaster.

 

 **irondad** : metal??? you know what, i’m not gonna ask

 

 **irondad** : i’ll check out the toaster when i get there

 

 **achild** : MR STARK PLEASE BRING MR RHODEY AND HAPPY AND MS POTTS WITH YOU

 

 **achild** : WE CAN WATCH A MOVIE TOGETHER

 

 **irondad** : is your aunt okay with that?

 

 **achild** : YES I CALLED HER SHE SAID IT WAS OKAY I JUST HAVE TO BE BACK HOME TOMORROW BEFORE LUNCH

 

 **irondad** : you guys up for a movie night?

 

 **waterbear** : Sure

 

 **bird2** : yeah

 

 **heeyaw** : hell yeah

 

 **widow** : why not

 

 **thewitch** : yes

 

 **alexa** : Of course.

 

 **ironmom** : yes!

 

 **roady** : i got some time to kill, sure

 

 **dickwad** : as long as steve doesn’t get to chose sure

 

 **waterbear** : What’s wrong with my choices?

 

 **dickwad** : you choose titanic every time.

 

 **waterbear** : And???

 

 **achild** : oooh i like that idea let’s watch titanic

 

 **waterbear** : Thank you Peter.

 

 **dickwad** : DAMN IT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aghjsdkl this chapter is such a mess but!! steve and peter being wholesome makes me cry

**Author's Note:**

> if u enjoyed this fic lemme know by leave some kudos and or comments. thank you for reading!! - nat


End file.
